Comedy of Errors II: HELP, There Is A Bird In My Purse!

H: Are we planning to cook tonight?
Me: I don’t know, do you want to?
H: I don’t know.
Me: Lets just eat out, where do you want to go?
H: Hmm…. is Chilli’s OK?
Me: Yea sure not a problem.

A normal conversation, one that has been replayed many times prior to this day. Nothing indicated that what was to follow would be anything but normal. There was no sign, no forewarning, just two naïve girls looking forward to eating dinner.

The stagnant air inside the car had heated up to an unbearable degree. I switched on the air conditioning. It was just a 5-minute journey, we made it in 10. The traffic was relentless.

H: Why don’t you park closer? Anyway it’s a pick up.
Me: It’s just a row away! OK Fine I will park closer.

I wonder now if things would have been different if I had insisted that we remain parked where we were? Was this the reason for sloth to be named as one of the 7 deadly sins? I parked the car. Close, real close. H, got out and waited on the pavement meanwhile I stepped out, opened the back door and reached for my purse…

MWWWAAARRRRGGHHH!

Me: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SOUND?
H: I don’t know some bird in the trees or something
Me: OMG! OMG! DID I RUN OVER SOME BIRD OR SOMETHING?
H: No re, lets go.

I didn’t believe her. This thing that made that sound seemed to be in agony and seemed very close. I stooped low to check under the car. Nothing. I reluctantly reached for my purse again. Time seemed to move in slow motion. H waiting, my trembling hands reaching for the purse, pausing, my fingers curling over the handle. Me turning to look at H, she turning her head away.

In the middle of a busy parking lot I felt so alone.

I grabbed the purse. No hideous wailing, no unearthly scream capable of waking the dead. Just the sound of my shallow breathing and sweet silence. I picked up my purse and slammed the door shut.

MWAAAAARGH! MAAAAAAHRG!

Me: SHIT!! IT’S FROM MY PURSE! SOMETHING IN MY PURSE!

I flung my purse and it landed on the hood of the car.

Me: OMG! OMG! WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?
Me: DO I HAVE A BIRD OR SOMETHING IN MY PURSE?
Me: SHIT….SHIT…SHIT!!!
H: Don’t be crazy, how can something go inside you purse?
Me: I DON’T KNOW! SHIT!
H: It must be somewhere else, just take your purse.
Me: You are right. Ok breath, relax, I can’t have a bird in my purse. That’s crazy. I am going to just reach out and poke my purse and no sound will come. Ok breath now!

With courage I did not know I possessed, I hesitantly reached to poke my purse.

MWWWWAAAAAAARGGGGHHHHH!

Me: IT”S IN MY PURSE!
Me: (Close to bawling my eyes out) H please help…please god…OMG HEEEEEEEELP!!!
Me: Please H poke my purse once, I can’t do it!
H: Oh God! You are crazy! Fine I will do it.

H in a pretend nonchalant manner reached out to poke my purse. She poked. Nothing. The purse lay on the hood of my car as innocent as a newborn babe. As if everything that had just transpired was just a figment of my imagination.

Was this senility? Was the psychosis that I had so feared now finally emerging?

H: (Clearly relieved) Look nothing happened. Just take your purse and lets go it’s getting late.

“Its all a Maya”

I reach for my purse. I pick it up.

MUUUAARGH!!

A minute of silence follows.

Me: Haaaahhaaaa LOL LOL HAHAHAH OMG hahaahha
H: Whats wrong with you? Are you OK why are you laughing?
Me: HAHAHAH! OMG OM!! HAHHA!!
Me: Okay..lets go in, HAHAHA!! I will tell you later…OMG, HAHAHA, I know what’s making that sound HAHHAHA.....

Two weeks ago I had gone shopping and among my purchases was this adorable cow keychain. It had a green nose that seemed it would glow in the dark but didn’t. It also had a tiny paper sticking out of its udders that said pull here. Yes, Really, and stop sniggering, what are you like 5? Anyway I pulled the little paper out and waited but nothing happened. I prodded and poked, but the Cow-chain remained placid in a way only a bovine can manage.

I never really noticed the tiny little bump jutting out of the head of the Cow-chain in all its insidious glory.